This is a goodbye to so many things letter. I’m so used to “how you are”, that I have missed the thought of who you could be.
I have cried with you and coddled you when you claimed to be “the victim”. I have held your hand and prayed with you for sincere change, then let you go back to the same routine just two days later. I have sat with you through the days where you couldn’t breath you were so anxious, and I have laid with you in the bathroom floor when your stomach hurt so bad you couldn’t stand. I watched as a spectator while the man you looked up to hurt you to the core, and I didn’t stand up for you and your worth, I just watched you take it. I saw the way she played mind games with you and put her signature on your self-confidence issues. I was the one that kept telling you that her raging encounters was the reason you still suffer ‘til this day. It took me years to encourage you to think that the way you were created was beautiful and not weird.
I experienced your confusion when a girl intentionally lied to and rejected you, while she happily wore a smile and a displayed a wholehearted hand for the social media world to see. I kept reminding you daily to remember to evaluate yourself and your “level” of Christianity and figure out what was wrong with you and why you were being rejected. To keep putting yourself out there, even though I saw your heart breaking more and more each day. I watched while you bathed in the guilt of every single move you made because you feared the thought of letting every single person down except yourself.
I saw you dim your light in fear of illuminating this town and facing them and their words. I have watched you waste probably months of your life altogether worrying and I allowed you to lay in the bed all day and not take a shower. I let you carry guilt around like a weight from your childhood that was never yours to carry. I saw you suffer while hovering over the toilet 12 years ago trying to throw up quietly, so they would not hear. I also felt the pain as their stares seemed to burn you as you walked down the hall. When you threw your food under the table, so they believed you were eating. I was there when you prayed for God to take you to heaven because you hated this world and all the people who thought they knew you and had no idea.
I’m writing you to tell you that I am sorry. I do not feel guilty in this moment, but sorry that I failed you. That you suffered far too much, when all along I was a friend that you thought was your enemy. That I knew the beauty you possessed but chose to point out just your imperfections.
I vow not to let the people in the cheap seats of your life get to you anymore. I vow to lift you up and be your friend. I vow to encourage your dreams and your passions, so we can smile and jump for joy together while their noses are in the air. I will help you make “them” go from giants to ants and your dreams from crumbs to a sparkly decorated three-layer cake. I will help you rest in the person you have always been, that you have been storing in a box drenched in all the hurtful words they said. The words that haunt you daily.
Let me be your friend. I love you so much. We have traveled a journey where only we know the true story of what we have encountered. We have had moments where we sang and danced, there have been some beautiful times. Tomorrow is a new day and I see your full potential. I always have. I will not let you use your past as an excuse anymore and I will make you take their views and words to stack them up like bricks, to climb up and stand upon. To give you a different viewpoint, instead of being buried under the ruble where there is no life. I want to see you on top, so you can see the girl in the valley beside you who is buried under the ruble of her childhood castle. Where the clouds of her anxiety are distorting her view. I will help you be a light on a hill because I know who you are so well and love you. So goodbye to days that have passed. We got this.
My challenge for you is, for you to write yourself a letter as your friend. Let go of all your past down on paper. All to often we forget that one of our greatest ally's is ourselves. We need to love ourselves SO THAT we can love others and have the confidence to navigate a judgmental and harsh world. It may even help to read your letter to yourself out loud in the mirror. Once you do this, fold up your letter and draw a symbol of the outside of it that you will associate with this moment. It could be a seashell or a heart or a certain kind of flower. Whenever you are having a day when you are down on yourself, simply recall the symbol on the outside of your letter and replay what you told yourself in the mirror that day. If you take my challenge I would love your feedback on if it helped you and how it made you feel <3
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